


Psychoanalysis For Everyone!

by chaWOOPa



Series: Red Vs Blue Short Stories [17]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Other, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-17 04:13:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3514922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaWOOPa/pseuds/chaWOOPa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Since she met the Reds and Blues she has been extremely interested in two thing. How they managed to survive all the things she has heard about and why they did what they did. In the aftermath of their heroic rescue of Chorus they start to trust her more and more and one at a time she gets to learn exactly what she wanted to know.</p><p>Many Chapter collection of how Grey ended up getting the psychoanalysis of everyone that she wanted to get. These are in no way in chronological order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Carolina

Emily Grey had never seen the side of Carolina when she opened the door to their quarters that night. “Go away,” Carolina hissed weakly as Emily slid the door shut and made her slow way towards the shaking woman on the bed.

“Carolina?” She asked. Carolina turned her body away from Emily, effectively shutting out the approaching doctor. “That is okay, you don’t have to talk to me. I am content to sit here, in case you want to at any point.” She sat on the end of Carolina’s bed farthest from where Carolina was curled up.

They stayed like that for a while until Carolina broke the silence. “Why are you staying here?”

“Well, isn’t that clear by now?” Emily’s face broke into a grin and she looked at Carolina’s back. “I care about you. You and the Reds and Blues saved my home and stopped a war that took a great many of lives.” Carolina stiffened.

It had been nearly two years since they had saved Chorus, and in that time, no matter how much Carolina would deny it, she and Emily had grown much closer. “No, you are grateful, but you don’t care about us, especially me. You can’t care about me.” Emily could hear Carolina’s brain working to filter everything she wanted to say.

“But I do. I care about all of you. You most of all, I think.” She said thoughtfully.

“Everyone I care about-or who cares about me for that matter-ends up dead,” Carolina said quietly. “They end up dead, or nearly so, or they end up leaving me for someone else.”

“The Reds and Blues are still around. Wash is still around. They care about you,” Emily responded, maintaining her thoughtful tone, “So not everyone, obviously.”

Carolina went silent again. The silence this time stretched on longer than the last until just as Emily was falling asleep she felt a weight on her lap. She opened her eyes and looked down to see the familiar red hair that she had grown to love draped across her lap. She could feel the small tremors that ran through Carolina’s body as she cried. Emily smiled gently down at Carolina and stated running her hands through Carolina’s long hair. “We all have dead friends, and often times being too strong about it for too long takes its toll on the body and the mind. This is good.”

There was nothing but the sound of Carolina's crying for a few minutes more until she sat up and handed a small picture to Emily. “They were all my best friends and my team. There was North and South Dakota, twins. They were just like you would expect siblings to be and yet they worked so well together. They were polar opposites outside the battlefield, but once they got onto it they were like a single person. Then Florida, he went by Flowers as well, but most of us called him Florida. He and Wyoming were best friends. They would get together and make up jokes and then put them all over other people’s things,” Carolina chuckled a little bit. “Then there was CT. Other than Wash she was the youngest, but also one of the best. She was never on the leader board, but only because she never wanted to be. Then there was Wash, he was so different back then. He was still a kid, only about twenty-one. He was so carefree and fun-loving and happy, but then Epsilon happened. Tex isn’t in this picture, but that is because no one knew she existed until well after this picture was taken. Maine was the biggest in the group. He was the tank, and despite how big and scary he appeared he was just as much of a dork as Wash. He was only three years older than Wash and one year older than CT. He got the worst fate, I think, and even when I was trying to recover from being thrown from that cliff I couldn’t accept that Maine was the one who had thrown me.”

Emily ticked off the people in the picture as Carolina listed them. “There are ten people here, and including you, I only know about nine of them.” She scrutinized the picture while Carolina remained silent. She closed her eyes and seemed to gather the strength to answer.

“His name was York,” she started haltingly. “He and I… We… I loved him… And he loved me… But… By the time I realized it he was already gone. I look back now, and I can see everything I missed and I wonder how I could have been so stupid. I was so focused on trying to get my Father to acknowledge me that I couldn’t see anything else. I was obsessed with being the best because if I could just be number one than maybe the Director would be proud of me. Maybe my father would care about me finally,” she gave a derisive laugh through the tears running down her face. “He didn’t care about anyone but himself, and I see that now, but York… York knew it all along. He tried to tell me, he tried to save me. He loved me. Do you know what it is like to live every day of your life knowing that the person you love is gone and you never got to tell them how you feel?”

“No, I don’t. I can’t even imagine that kind of pain, and I don’t want to try,” Emily said, scooting closer to Carolina and peering into the taller woman’s red rimmed eyes. Carolina’s tearful gaze searched Emily’s own for a few seconds before she looked away. Emily put her hand on Carolina’s face and gently guided her head around to look at her. “Tell me more about York, but not his death. I want to know about everything you loved about him. Every laugh and every smile. I want to know all the good things, and if you want to tell me the bad than tell me the bad too, but for now we can focus on the good.”

Carolina looked at her for a few seconds before throwing her arms around Emily and burying her head in Emily’s shoulder. Her body shook violently with sobs and the two cuddled until Carolina was ready to talk again. She talked about York, mostly. She made mention of the other freelancers, but only when they were relevant to the story she was telling. Emily and Carolina spent all the rest of that day and until almost one in the morning that night talking. They exchanged stories about people they loved until Carolina started to fall asleep.

“I think it is bed time,” Emily said gently to the woman nodding off on her shoulder.

“Okay, Emily,” Emily started a little at the use of her first name. Carolina had never called her that before, but she really liked it. “Just one last thing, okay?” Carolina sat up and looked into Emily’s eyes, suddenly acting wide awake.

“Yes?”

“Thank you,” She said, leaning in closer. “And Emily-”

“Yes?” Emily breathed as Carolina stopped inches from her face.

Carolina didn't have to tell her, it was all in the short kiss they shared, but she said it anyway. "I love you."

"I love you too," Emily smiled.


	2. Washington

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “-ou fucking idiot. I knew this would go wrong. I knew Felix was too good with a knife to not stab you in the best place possible. You knew it too, so why the hell did either of us agree to that fucking plan? And now you are just fucking lying there and you haven’t woken up yet. It has been a week, Tucker. I miss you. I need you to wake up.” Emily entered the room in time to hear the tail end of Wash lecturing Tucker. 
> 
> “Washington?” Emily said gently. “You know he can’t hear you.”

“-ou fucking idiot. I knew this would go wrong. I knew Felix was too good with a knife to not stab you in the best place possible. You knew it too, so why the hell did either of us agree to that fucking plan? And now you are just fucking lying there and you haven’t woken up yet. It has been a week, Tucker. I miss you. I need you to wake up.” Emily entered the room in time to hear the tail end of Wash lecturing Tucker.

“Washington?” Emily said gently. “You know he can’t hear you.”

Wash looked around, not bothering to drop Tucker’s hand like he had the first few days when others entered the room. “I know. I just…” He turned back to Tucker. “I don’t know. I have lost so many people I loved before and I don’t know if I can do it again.”

“Do you mean the people who were part of Project Freelancer?” She asked, stepping up to the other side of Tucker’s bed.

“Well, yes, but there was one in particular who hurt the same way losing Tucker would,” He shook his head. “His name was Maine.”

“The one who became the Meta?” Emily looked confused. “I thought he never spoke to anyone and wasn’t very friendly. At least, that is what we here on Chorus were told.”

Wash snorted and said, “Maine was a good person. He didn’t talk a lot, that part is true, but he was one of the nicest people at Freelancer. He liked to pull pranks and poke fun, but he never took it too far. He was… He was amazing. He was very good looking and very smart. He worked hard and was always trying to keep a smile on everyone’s face, even the people that weren’t part of our team.”

“I thought there were only the few of you in Freelancer,” Emily said as she checked Tucker’s vitals.

“Oh no, there were fifty of us split into five ‘teams’. There was my team, we didn’t have all the best agents as one might think. No, we had one or two amazing soldiers and then a few slightly above average and then me, we were just the luckiest. The other four teams had ten members each as well, and the order people died was sporadic. The only pattern anyone saw was the one keeping my team alive.” Wash sighed and adjusted his grip on Tucker’s hand so he could wipe his sweaty hand off without letting go of Tucker.

“Wow,” Emily breathed. “Did you know anyone from the other teams? And what states were on your team?”

Wash looked at her as if deciding to tell her before he opened his mouth to say anything. Once part of it came out it was like he couldn’t stop the rest of it. He started by talking about the people on the other teams, then he moved onto his team. He told Emily about every single one of them and how they died, but he avoided mentioning anything about him.

Once he had slowed down his speech enough that Emily could ask questions she burst out, “What about you? Did you have an AI?”

Wash grew silent long enough for Emily to start to wonder if she had asked a bad question before he started to speak. This time, however, the information came slowly, like he was forcing it out. “I did, for a short amount of time. It was named Epsilon. I got it implanted shortly after Maine became the Meta. I… I didn’t have it for long, though. I… I don’t remember how long after implantation I woke up, everything from the time I went in to get Epsilon to a few weeks after I got out of recovery is blurry. He-It was Alpha’s memories. That was all Epsilon had, and none of them were good memories,” he gulped and avoided eye contact with Emily who was looking at him with interest by studying Tucker’s face. “I remember screaming. Both of us were screaming, but I don’t think I was screaming out loud. There were too many memories put in my head for me to do anything. Epsilon was determined that someone share his-its pain. There was so much pain and… and anger… and fear… It was… overwhelming. I… After he was done, after I had seen everything… After Epsilon had shown me all the memories he-it… it tried to commit suicide in my head. It did, I had thought. It… It tried to kill itself in my head. It didn’t care about me, no, and at that point I didn’t care about me either. I think… I wanted him to take me with it.”

Grey was silent, her look of interest replaced with a mixture of horror and sadness. “Wash…”

“Don’t,” He said. “I don’t want sympathy, I want my friend back. Tucker knew this. He was the only one I had told this until just now. He had told me about his past, and about how his Father had left his mother when he found out she was suffering from PTSD. He wouldn’t tell me why she was, but he told me about how she had woken up some nights screaming and crying, he told me about her panic attacks and how he helped her through them. He talked and talked and talked, about himself and about how much he loved me and about Caboose. He told me how much I meant to him every time I woke up screaming because of nightmares. I didn’t tell you that because I wanted your sympathy, I told you because talking helped both of us through many hard nights, and it had felt so good to let go of this the night I told him about it. When I finally told him why I had nightmares and why I had panic attacks it was that story. He had sat there for a while, just holding me before he changed the subject, talking about the weather and all kinds of trivial things. He knew how to handle everything even though he never thought he did. The plan he came up with? That was something he came up with on the spot as he said it. He was-no, he is-is so smart and he is such a good leader and competent soldier and I just… I can’t lose him. I need him.”

Emily stayed silent, all at once glad and regretful that the mystery of Wash had been solved. He had PTSD, and Tucker was his anchor. Emily looked at Tucker’s stone face as Wash rested his forehead against Tucker’s bed. _If you don’t wake up I will have to find a way to bring you back from the dead so Wash can kill you himself,_ she thought and, as if he had heard her, Tucker’s face twitched. Emily gasped a little and jumped to her feet. “ _Tucker?_ ”

Tucker groaned and opened his eyes and Emily couldn’t remember being as relieved to see a patient wake up than she was in that moment. Her elation was nothing, however, compared to the joy on Wash’s face as Tucker coughed and said weakly, “Hey assholes, miss me?”

Emily thought for a second she was going to have to keep Wash from strangling Tucker, but before she could move to restrain him Wash had his arms thrown around Tucker and he was sobbing uncontrollably. Tucker smiled gently and moved one of his arms to pat Wash’s back. “Hey now, Hey now. It is okay, I am here, I am not going anywhere.”

“You fucker!” Wash said weakly into Tucker’s mattress, making Tucker chuckle. “I thought I was going to lose you too.”

Tucker shook his head as Emily turned around to give the two of them some privacy. “No. I would never leave you, I promised you, after all, that I would be here for you.”

Emily smiled as she closed the door to Tucker’s room quietly. She had learned more about Wash than she ever thought she would and had witnessed someone wake up she never thought would all in one go, and that was enough for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am gonna try to put up one to two stories (be them parts for this or other short stories totally unrelated to this) but I have several classes with heavy work loads, so I am really sorry if I don't get them up that fast.


	3. Tucker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Doctor Grey!”
> 
> Emily stopped jogging and turned around when her name was called. “Yes?”
> 
> “Do you have a minute?” Tucker asked as he came skidding to a halt in front of her.
> 
> “As long as you are willing to walk while we talk. I was on my morning jog but I know how hard it is to jog and talk at the same time, so I will settle for walking if you want me to,” she said.
> 
> “Okay, good.” They started walking as Tucker said, “So I heard you are pretty easy to talk to.”

_So,_ Emily thought as she ran, _Wash and Carolina are siblings and were both brought into project Freelancer by their Father, the director of the project. This project messed them both up, giving them varying degrees of PTSD and taking most everything they cared about from them, but that isn’t the part I am confused about. What I am confused about is what the hell happened to Alpha. They both talk about AI fragments from a single AI, but neither of them will tell me what happened to make those frag-_

“Doctor Grey!”

Emily stopped jogging and turned around when her name was called. “Yes?”

“Do you have a minute?” Tucker asked as he came skidding to a halt in front of her.

“As long as you are willing to walk while we talk. I was on my morning jog but I know how hard it is to jog and talk at the same time, so I will settle for walking if you want me to,” she said.

“Okay, good.” They started walking as Tucker said, “So I heard you are pretty easy to talk to.”

“I mean, I don’t know about easy, but I do try to be a good listener,” she said.

“Well, Caboose said that he talked to you and that you were very kind and listened to him the entire time, so I figured if you could listen to Caboose ramble on about his family for three hours you can listen to me talk for ten minutes.” Tucker said, looking anywhere but at Emily. Emily grinned at Tucker, remembering how Caboose had told her that Tucker would sit and listen to and engage in conversation about Caboose’s family for hours at a time when Caboose was sad.

“What is bothering you?”

“Well, I mean… Wash has already heard this several times…” Emily’s smile disappeared as she tried to tell if Tucker had told him during a panic attack or during normal conversation. “And everyone else would either coddle me and give me massive amounts of sympathy or pretend to coddle me and give me massive amounts of shit for this.”

“I won’t do either,” she assured him.

“Well… I just… Why would Kimball give me a whole new team and the Reds and Blues appoint me their ‘unofficial leader for when the Reds team up with the dirty blues’ if all I can do is cause pain and death?” He was visibly upset. “Even before I was a sim trooper I couldn’t do anything right. I raised myself and took care of my mom for a long time, but I got drafted for the military and the night we found out I ran from my home and drove for hours and hours. I couldn’t deal with it so I wasn’t there for my mom and by the time I got back she was gone. It was my fault. I wasn’t there when she needed me and she died because of it. Then I actually went to boot camp. I worked hard, but only because in the airport I saw my team saying goodbye to their various families and I promised myself I would get as many of them home as I could, but then… The first mission I was supposed to lead went wrong. We were dropped right into a trap and I could only get three people out. I got me and two teammates out because I had led them right into a trap and only three of us weren’t killed immediately. I got us out of there, but by the time our pickup got there the other two were dead and I was on my out. It was my fault. So I stopped trying and I was sent to Blood Gulch. I was a lazy-ass son of a bitch who wouldn’t do anything except complain and yet I still somehow started caring about the dumbass teammates I had there. Then shit went bad and Flowers died and things got crazy. We got two new soldiers in Blood Gulch, Caboose and Donut, and then Tex came and shit blew up. After that shitstorm blew over I was left with a son to take care of and a new job as an alien ambassador. So, of course I promised I would protect my son but that blew up in my face when I sent him out into the desert for his own safety and I stayed behind. I still don’t know where he is or what happened to him, and I don’t think I ever will.” Tucker took a deep breath to steady his voice. It had grown shaky around when he started talking about his son.

“It sounds to me like you always did what was best,” Emily pointed out.

“If doing what’s best gets people killed all the time then I don’t want to do what’s best I want to do what makes people live,” He said angrily. “Besides, that isn’t where the blood on my hands stops piling up. So we take care of Project Freelancer and the Director and I find out that I lost Church a long time ago and the person who I had thought was my best friend was actually just some memory program and that adds to the number of people I wasn't there for and lost. Then we get on a ship to head home finally and we get stranded here. Now, once here not only do I find out that my best friend and Carolina have skipped out on us again, but all of the crew from the ship is dead, Caboose is depressed, and the reds have decided to continue with the fake war that was started way back in Blood Gulch. Things get pretty peaceful and I learned to deal with Caboose and may have fallen for Wash a little bit only to have Felix McBitchy-I-will-betray-you show up. Another fucking freelancer,” Tucker rolls his eyes sounding more tired than anything. “So we are thrown into this war and Wash decides to pull some self sacrificing bull-shit because I couldn’t save him, Sarge, Lopez, and Donut, which adds onto my ‘Let’s count how many times Tucker can fuck up before he dies’ list. Then I find out, ‘hey wait a second, they are alive!’ so I set to training myself and a small group of soldiers to go save them from the Feds, with the help of Felix McBitchy-I-will-betray-you. So we go and I manage to get all but one of my people killed for a little bit of information that I almost didn’t even get to use.” Tucker paused here and gulped.

Emily could see that he was on the verge of tears and was regretting telling her any of this so she prompted him with “The only questionable decision was the one to finish gathering the intel, and even that was justified in that you were trying to save your friends.”

“No, It wasn’t okay. I got several good men killed that day and then I up and left the Rebel army with all my friends and we went off to find Wash. I thought I was doing what was right, but it backfired. I got a lot of people killed and I hurt everyone. I abandon them when they needed me, just like Church and Carolina did us. Then, can you believe it, I had the gall to yell at Church for leaving! I was angry with Church for leaving us when I had left my own group of people behind and now they thought I was dead!” Tucker gave a derisive laugh and then finished with, “How the hell can anyone trust me with any kind of responsibility when all I do is hurt people?”

Emily stayed silent for a little while she processed what Tucker had just told her. “Well, I suppose it is because of what you have gone through that they do. Think about it,” she said thoughtfully, “You led troops before, and while they did die on the first mission it was a trap that you couldn't have known about and you still got two extra guys out. You did your best to save them, and it is sad that it wasn’t enough, but you tried so hard. It is the same in all the situations you described. You tried so hard and thought of others more than yourself. The fact that you care so much about their deaths assures me that you are the best for this job. Sure, Wash and Carolina have more experience than you, but when it comes down to it, Carolina will always think about herself and her friends before her troops which isn’t a good trait for someone leading an army of people and Wash… Well… Wash is so self-sacrificial that there is no telling if he will come back with his troops. He is a good trainer, and he is a great friend, but with his PTSD and his tendency to sacrifice himself to try and get everyone else out he is just too unpredictable. You, however, have a steadier head on your shoulders than the two of them. You work hard and with all that you have gone through you have grown and changed and even Wash and Carolina agree that you are the best suited to lead everyone. You got people killed, sure, but so has everyone else. You hurt people and you left your troops before, but that doesn’t matter. Kimball knows you won’t do it again and she trust you, so she put you in charge.”

Tucker looked at the ground for a while as the two of them continued to walk. “Do they really?”

Emily chuckled to herself as she realized that everything she had said except what she had said about Wash and Carolina agreeing with Kimball didn't really matter.  _He really looks up to them, doesn't he? He really cares for them, and not just as friends, as family._ “Yes, they do. Carolina has told me explicitly that she is glad you were put in charge because you were the best person for it out of all of them and Wash and I had a conversation before you woke up a long time ago where he told me how much he cares for you and how good of a leader you are.” She nodded at him.

He took a deep breath and thanked Emily. “This doesn’t erase the blood on my hands, but I do feel better about being put in charge. Thank you.”

She smiled and said, “Any time you need to talk I am here. You did save my home, after all.”

He chuckled and joked, “Doctor Emily Grey’s counseling service; You’ve got baggage, We’ve got logic.” Emily laughed and Tucker finished with, “But really, thank you. Caboose wasn’t lying when he said you were easy to talk to.”

Tucker jogged off ahead of Emily and she smiled to herself. _You are a good person Tucker,_ she thought. _I can see why Wash cares for you so much._


	4. Grif

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emily was tasked with making sure the red and blue soldiers were taken care of after their battle. She was in charge of making sure their wounds were taken care of and making sure they were healthy as possible, but Grif is making that extremely hard on her. He has been avoiding her as much as possible, trying to evade his physical exam by insisting he is fine and hiding from Emily, but she wants to make sure for herself, so she corners him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has Transgender Grif. He has some body issues and some insecurities, so I figured I would warn you (as the reader) about it in case it will make you uncomfortable and/or trigger you.

“Grif, I know you are in here, and I am going to give you that physical exam whether you like it or not. It is required of all soldiers after they have been in battle and you are no exception,” Emily said angrily as she stood blocking the doorway to Grif’s favorite hiding spot.

“Umm… Grif isn’t here… Try somewhere else!” Grif called from the back of the pantry.

“Got you,” Grey rolled her eyes and closed the door behind her. “Grif this _isn’t_ optional and it _is_ for your health.”

“I am perfectly healthy!” He said, coming out from behind a couple boxes in recognition that he had been caught.

“You know we have plenty of male doctors if that is wha-”

“NO!” Grif shouted suddenly.

Emily jumped a little before asking, “Then why the hell are you so bent on not getting a physical exam?!”

“Because I am a girl!” he exclaimed angrily.

Emily was taken aback for a second before she got angry. “Are you insinuating that women are cowards?”

“No,” Grif said, anger dissipating fast under Emily’s glare. “No, I am telling you I am a fucking girl. This is also why me and Simmons haven’t had s-” he slammed his mouth shut, realizing he was saying too much.

“Grif… What?” Emily cataloged the information about Grif and Simmons and filed it away in her head in favor of pursuing the more important part of that statement.

“My name is Delilah Grif, not Dexter Grif. I was born a fucking Girl, just like my sister, but I am not a girl I am a boy,” He sighed. “I was born a mother fucking girl but I am a motherfucking guy. I am just as much a guy as Tucker and Simmons and Sarge and Wash and every other guy on this fucking planet.”

Emily smiled gently. “That is perfectly fine, Grif. You are a guy, I understand. I also understand why you don’t want to have a physical exam now, but unfortunately it is required. I can do it and then keep your secret, it isn’t a problem, but someone still has to do it.”

Grif sighed and shook his head. “I shouldn’t have told you. The last time I trusted someone to keep it a secret Simmons, Lopez, and Donut found out Dexter Grif was a girl. And the time before that the entire high school found out that Delilah Grif was a boy and I got bullied to the point of dropping out of High school.”

“Well, I promise I will not tell anyone, and if anyone finds out and decides to give you a hard time I will be more than happy to give them a talking to,” Emily said cheerily. She was more than a little glad to have been trusted with this piece of information.

“I just… Simmons is so fucking gay and we are so fucking in love, but the last time I dated a guy after being forced out everyone took it as evidence that I wasn’t really a guy. I am a fucking guy! I am a guy and I love Simmons and he loves me and we love to cuddle and I hate sex so cuddle is all we do,” Grif, encouraged by her response to his confession, had started talking and Emily could sense nothing was going to stop him so she just let him talk. “Cuddle and Bicker like an old married couple. Sarge makes fun of us for that, and everyone totally called it within the first few weeks of us starting to date, but we never admitted it to anyone. Simmons totally understands it; in fact he is happier that it is a secret than I am. He is worried I will leave him and figures the less public we are about our relationship the better it will be when that finally happens. I don't mind that thinking, but he is wrong about how it would go down. If we broke up it would be him breaking up with me, just like it was with Fucking Alex. Alex found out I was Trans and he decided he didn’t like me anymore, but he left me on a string for a long time before he actually ended it. He lied for almost two years about loving me before he decided to let me go, then he told me that he had been lying and I fucking broke. Kia went and beat him up, got herself suspended for three days because of it. When I got angry with her she told me, and I quote, ‘Nobody messes with the guy who raised me, no one except me’ and I about cried of happiness. Kia was probably my biggest supporter. I practically raised her myself, what with dad dead and Mom always drunk, high, or both we never actually had a parent, so I was the parent. She and I were closer than any two siblings I ever met.” Grif continued on like that, telling Emily about how he raised his sister and different things they got into. He admitted to a lot of things and Emily couldn’t believe half of them, but the half she did believe she was very supportive about.

“Grif,” she stopped him halfway through a story about the third time he thought he saw his sister die before she came back home hours later, “I still need to do the physical exam. I am here to listen to you when you need me, but I also have responsibilities I need to fulfill, one of them being taking care of Tucker. Now, after I do your exam and take care of Tucker I can come back and we can talk more, but for now I need to get those things done.”

Grif sighed and muttered, “Dammit I was hoping distracting you would make you forget about the physical. I guess I should get it over with though. Putting it off will only make me feel worse about myself when I finally have to get it done.”

Emily smiled at him and said, “That a boy!”

Fifteen minutes and much complaining later, Emily was headed to Tucker’s room to change his bandages and make sure he was still waking up. “Hey, Doctor Grey,” Grif said from behind her. “I would greatly appreciate if you-”

“Kept your secret?” She smiled reassuringly. “Not a problem, soldier.” She waved to Grif and they parted ways, Grif a little happier and Emily feeling like she had made a great friend. _Perhaps I could be welcome with the reds and blues. After all_ , she thought, _they are all mismatched; one more jagged edge can’t disrupt much. Besides, I have to find some way to thank them for saving my home. Plus their group dynamic is really interesting. Especially the Reds; especially Grif and Simmons and Grif and Sarge; I don’t think I could get Sarge to talk easily, though, not with how he is. I could probably talk to Simmons though; he could shed some more light on how red team works together with so many clashing personalities…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to write, so I am sorry if it isn't as good as the others. I used some of my own experience and fears and issues to kind of shape Grif's own and that made this particular chapter hard to write, so again I apologize if it falls short of your expectations or standards.


	5. Simmons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The door opened a crack and Simmons stuck his head in as if checking to make sure it was safe. “Doctor Grey, is Carolina in here?”  
> “Nope! She is running drills with Washington to keep his mind off Tucker and help him stretch out his muscles. It helps with the soreness that comes with bruising and sitting by someone’s bedside for a week,” She responded, putting her book down and moving from her position with her legs spread out in front of her to give Simmons room to sit if he wanted.

_So Grif adores Simmons, Simmons adores Grif, and both are scared of losing the other because of various experiences and self-confidence issues. Then you have Wash who is totally in love with Tucker, but I don’t know exactly why yet. I know Wash said all those amazing things about him, and I do see most of them myself, but there is something that doesn’t add up quite yet with regards to that. Maybe if I can talk to Tu-_ a knock echoed from the door to Emily and Carolina’s shared room interrupting Emily's thoughts. “Come in!” Emily chimed happily.

The door opened a crack and Simmons stuck his head in as if checking to make sure it was safe. “Doctor Grey, is Carolina in here?”

“Nope! She is running drills with Washington to keep his mind off Tucker and help him stretch out his muscles. It helps with the soreness that comes with bruising and sitting by someone’s bedside for a week,” She responded, putting her book down and moving from her position with her legs spread out in front of her to give Simmons room to sit if he wanted.

He sat at the very end of the bed, as far away from Emily as he could be while sitting on the same bed and looked at his mismatched hands for a few seconds before saying, “So Grif told me that you know…” he stopped and gulped as if scared to continue.

When Emily realized he wasn’t going to continue, she finished his sentence for him. “About you and Grif? Yeah. He told me to try and distract me from giving him his physical exam. It didn’t work and he got his exam, but that was it. Your secret is safe with me.”

“And Grif’s… secret?” Simmons asked quietly.

Emily smiled gently as Simmons turned to look at her. “ _Dexter_ Grif’s secret is safe with me, you don’t have to worry about that.”

Simmons looked like that was all he needed to hear because the next second he was crying on Emily’s shoulder and while she wasn’t quite sure why he was talking, he was talking and she was more than happy to be listening. “I came out when I was seven. I told my parents I liked this other boy in my class and they forced me back into the closet. They were hyper-religious people who cared more about their status than they did their son. They put so much pressure on me to be who they wanted and all I wanted to do was study science and find someone who loved me. But no, I had to be perfect little Richard Simmons, a mini version of his father. We couldn’t have been more different, my father and I. He was athletic and strong and confident and so very straight where as I could trip over flat ground, couldn’t catch ball worth a shit-or throw for that matter, not at all confident and outgoing, and very very gay. So when I turned 18 I ran away from home. I joined the military, but I got screwed over. My teammates hated me and knew I was no good in the field or on standardized tests, so they took advantage of it. They made me nervous and got me sent to fucking Blood Gulch. I guess that wasn't all bad, but they had pretended to be nice to me and pretended to like me in more than one way until the day I left. The day I left they turned on me, cheered when I started packing my things, called me all kinds of names that I don't want to repeat. One of them had even go so far as to pretend he was going to kiss me only to laugh and push me away just before he did. I had the biggest crush on him and he totally knew it and used it to fucking crush me. He told me no one would ever love me and I still believe him. When I got to Blood Gulch Grif and Sarge were already there and I was so nervous around them. I hid what I was from them until Donut came and I had to tell someone, so I told Donut. Let me tell you, worst mistake of my life. Within a few hours everyone at Red base knew I was gay and I thought I was going to lose the people I cared most about in the world. When they didn’t even really react except to assure me that ‘whatever floats your boat is fine with me, Simmons!’ and ‘eh, even if I did care I wouldn’t do anything. My sister is pansexual, for crying out loud’ and that was more than I had hoped for. Lopez still spoke Spanish even back then, so we never understood what he said, but I think it was something encouraging. Donut, well, you know him.” Emily chuckled, imagining the amount of double entendres that had left his mouth. “So all was well and then a few weeks later Donut told everyone about Delilah Grif and then before I knew it he and I were kissing in our bunk room. We never did anything more than that, Grif never really wanted to and, seeing as I was already a cyborg at that point, I didn’t mind much either. I don't know how anyone could have found me attractive before I was a freak, let alone now, but I still let him in. I am still scared of him leaving. He is going to realize how much better he could do and just up and leave me, but since no one knows really that we are dating it is okay. It will hurt less when he finally does.”

Emily sighed and they sat in silence for a second before she said gently, “You know, you don’t have to hide who you are. In case you hadn’t noticed Wash is very gay as well and if Tucker is anything besides pansexual-except maybe Bisexual-I would be extremely surprised. And you have pretty much an army of people who will back you up and take down anyone who tries to hurt you. In fact, I am Asexual myself, thought I do love to cuddle and be romantic.”

Simmons pulled his head off Emily’s shoulder, his eyes red and puffy and wide as could be. “Really?”

“Yep!” Emily popped the ‘p’ and grinned at him. “And there was one other thing, though you can’t tell anyone I told you.”

Simmons cocked his head to the side, face full of earnest curiosity. “What is it?”

“You and Grif won’t break up any time soon,” she smiled and stood up to stretch, the last half of her sentence almost lost in the yawn that pushed its way out of her. “Grif is totally in love with you and told me that the only way it will end is if you end it. He loves you, Simmons. You don’t have to worry about that.”

Simmons grinned and wiped his eyes one last time. “Thank you, Doctor Grey. I am glad you let me talk.”

“No problem, Simmons,” Carolina pulled the door to their room open as Emily responded. She was too deep in a discussion with Epsilon to realize Simmons was there.

“I have to go!” Simmons squeaked, dashing out of the room with a quick wave to Emily.

“The fuck was that?” Emily heard Epsilon ask.

“Simmons wanted to talk to me, so I let him. We had a nice chat,” she grinned and closed the door before returning to her bed to lie down. “But now, I think it is bed time.”

“What did you two talk about?” Carolina asked.

“Nothing much, mostly him asking about the weather here on chorus and if it ever got really humid for extended amounts of time. He was concerned about his robot parts rusting.”

Carolina nodded, apparently satisfied with Emily’s answer and pulled her helmet off. Emily turned to face the wall just like she did every time Carolina got dressed for bed, ignoring the fact that Epsilon had looked less convinced than Carolina. _So now I know that Simmons came from a childhood of abuse and bullying. That would explain his fear of Grif leaving him as well as his fear of them becoming public with their relationship._ Carolina turned off the light and Emily rolled onto her back and sighed a little. _I wonder if that is why Caboose has some issues. From what I have seen that kind of treatment as a child can result in a lot of different things, I wonder if Caboose got the same treatment, just ended up on the opposite side of the spectrum that Simmons is…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert: Simmons and Grif tell everyone a few weeks later that they are in a relationship and, just like Emily thought, everyone was super happy for them. Everyone who wasn't paying out on lost bets, that is. (Also Lopez's comment was something along the lines of "We already knew that, asshole. I hate all of you equally no matter how gay you are so why does it matter?")
> 
> I am trying to blend the chapters together a little more and add some more of Emily's thoughts to these. Special thanks to Yin who has commented on every chapter so far and has been super nice over all and a huge encouragement.


	6. Caboose

“Hello Doctor Grey!” Caboose chimed happily from behind Emily.

“Hello Caboose!” She turned and smiled at him before moving forward in the line to get food. “How are you today?”

“I am good! What about you?”

“I actually was wanting to eat lunch with you, if you would allow me. I wanted to ask you about your family,” She said as she reached to get herself a thing of salad dressing.

“You know my family! You are part of it!” He answered happily.

Emily was taken aback and stopped moving to look up at Caboose about halfway to an empty table. “Wait, really?”

“Of course!” Caboose said, not stopping with her and continuing on to the table, forcing Emily to speed after him. “You and Miss Carolina and Washingtub and Tucker and Church and Grif and Simmons and Pastry-puff and Sarge are all my family. We fight, and sometimes we are mean to each other, but we are always there to help each other when we need help, so we are still family.”

Emily sat down across from the him and was smiling bigger than she had in a long time. “Are you sure I am part of your family?” She asked, tilting her head to the side a little in confusion.

“Well,” Caboose said, putting his elbow on the table and propping his head on his fist while he thought. “You are part of my family just like Tucker and Church and Freckles and Grif and Simmons and Sarge, and all of you are part of my family just like Allan and Alice and Danielle and Rachel and Riley and Trevor and Dan and Gavin and Ian and Nik.”

“Who are they?” Emily asked. She hadn’t ever heard Caboose talk about his family and she assumed they were siblings of his, but the more people he had named the happier he had looked so she was going to let him talk about his family all he wanted.

“Oh! They are my brothers and sisters from my home! Alice is the oldest and she watches all of us and makes sure we get food and we are all safe. She drives us to school and was always going to talk to adults about adult things like money, but I don’t know why. She always used to come home crying about how she couldn’t do anything right, and everyone would always be so nice when she did. Especially Nik; Nik and Alice were married I think, but I don’t really know…” Caboose continued talking about his family as Emily listened, often putting together things that Caboose didn’t say outright but made obvious.

_So Nik and Alice were his parents,_ she ticked off in her head when Caboose went to throw his and Emily’s trash away, _Dan and Danielle were the same person, they were gender fluid; Allen was Caboose’s closest sibling and also adopted; Trevor wasn’t actually his sibling, he was Gavin’s boyfriend and Gavin was his real brother; Rachel was also Caboose’s sibling and she was in a relationship with Riley and Ian._ “-and then Alice got a call one day. She wouldn’t tell me what it was about, but she couldn’t look me in the eye for a week afterwards without crying.” Caboose was saying when he came back. He hadn’t even stopped talking on the way to throw the trash away. “But Nik told me I would be going away for a long time and that I had to promise to write them, so I did. I write to them every day. I used to get replies from Alice and Allen, but they stopped coming a long time ago.” Caboose frowned.

“Can I ask about your family here?” Emily tilted her head to the side again as she looked at Caboose, a small voice in the back of her head telling her that there was something other than a tragic past that was making Caboose the way he was.

“Oh! Well, there is you, Doctor Grey. You helped save Tucker and Wash and the rest of my friends, and you have been talking to everyone and helping everyone get settled here and you are so nice and pretty and smart. Then there is Tucker…” Emily was delighted by his description of her, but quickly set her delight aside in favor of watching him talk. The longer he went on about the people in his family the surer she was that her suspicion was correct.

“Caboose,” she interrupted him gently, “Caboose, are you autistic?”

Caboose looked at her for a second before looking around him and then down at the floor and picking up the end of the thing he had been saying about Freckles. “-and then I finally got him back and Wash and I put him in my gun and we became best friends again!”

Emily smiled and tried a different tactic. “Caboose, do you want to go for a walk?”

Caboose smiled at her, forgetting the lecture he had just started giving her about Church. “Yes! Doctor Grey, Let’s go for a walk! Where are we going to go?”

They stood up from the table and he took Emily’s hand as they walked. They walked around the base for hours, talking about their families and friends. The entire time Emily’s mind was two places at once; one side was with Caboose and taking part in the conversation, the other was sifting through every bit of information she could rmember on autism. She listened to him speak and paid attention to the intonation and the volume and the words he used. She took note of his stiff gait and the way he would skip a step every now and then and how he often bumped into objects and people as if he hadn’t seen them there. After a while, Emily stopped their walk. “Hey Caboose, can I ask a question about you?”

“What?”

“Can I ask you about yourself?”

“I can’t hear you,” he wouldn’t meet her eyes.

“That is okay, Caboose. We had a great chat. Do you know how to get back to the training area from here? Wash is going to be there with some troops and I think Smith was supposed to be there,” she smiled at the way he perked up.

“Really? I haven’t seen Smith since this morning! I need to go say hi to Smith!” Caboose ran off, not even looking back to say goodbye to Emily.

Emily made her way to the room she used as her office slowly, categorizing and interpreting the different behaviors Caboose had exhibited throughout their talk. _He is, without a doubt, Autistic. Without a doubt. He is very intelligent, no one as dumb as people take him to be could do the things he does with AI and with small pieces of equipment that he can. And from the way he talked about his family it sounded as though they all loved him and even his brief stint in the real army was littered with kind people who loved him._ Emily sat down at her desk and took out a pen and a pad of paper and began writing the things she noticed on paper so she didn't forget them. “Autism is a spectrum,” she said out loud as she worked. “All I need to know now is where on the spectrum he falls.” _Maybe there are more people I have dismissed as dumb or odd who are on the same spectrum that he is…_

She fell asleep that night on top of a book about different ways to help those with Autism and dreamed of a family she hadn’t allowed herself to have since before the civil war on Chorus started. The people in it were significantly more colorful than the one she had lost before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in this chapter, I had a lot more homework this week than I anticipated and this chapter was really awkward the first couple times I wrote it.


	7. Church

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because it took me so long to get the last chapter out I am putting this chapter out today. I couldn't sleep last night so I wrote this, and I am actually really proud of it. It is a pretty heavy chapter and focuses mainly on the torture that Alpha went through as well as some other headcannons I have for Epsilon, there isn't really any violence, but still, I figured I would warn you.

“-so I spent literally hours reading about Autism and everything I read only made me more sure about Caboose and later that month I was called to check on this woman’s baby. He was six months old and had been talking for about a week before he just stopped; he wouldn’t look at anyone and barely responded when people talked to him even though they knew he could hear. Did you know, ‘Lina, that that is very common in kids with autism? I didn’t until I read about it because of Caboose. So I did a bunch of tests and it turns out that the kid-his name was Alex, by the way-is actually au-”

“Sorry to interrupt,” Church appeared in front of Emily and Carolina, causing the women to jump from their position with Carolina’s head in Emily’s lap while Emily plaited her hair and told her stories about her work. It had been nearly a month since her talk with Tucker and in that time it had become routine for her and Carolina to spend an hour or two each night talking and cuddling. “but I have a few questions for Miss Emily Grey.”

“Doctor Emily Grey,” she said coolly, “and didn’t we agree that me and Carolina could have at least an hour every night alone?”

“Yeah, yeah, but Tucker was going at it with Wash, like, hardcore, and Sarge would go berserk if he found out I was in any of the Red’s heads again and I can’t stand to be in Caboose’s head for more than ten minutes at a time. Where else was I supposed to go?”

Carolina and Emily met eyes and started to giggle. “Were you in Tucker’s head when they started?” Church gave Carolina a more scathing look than Emily thought possible of an AI as the two women laughed at the though.

“No! I fucking fled as soon as the thought popped into his head,” Church said. “Besides, I wanted to ask you some questions, Doctor Grey.”

Emily sighed and asked, “What do you want to know?”

“First off, what the hell is your plan?” He said, crossing his arms.

“What do you mean?”

“No one can be so kind and compassionate that they will listen to every single one of these morons-excluding Carolina and Wash-cry about their past and their worries and their relationships to them without some alternative motive,” Church said.

Carolina opened her mouth to defend Emily, but Emily held up a hand to stop her and narrowed her eyes at the hologram in front of her. “First things first, if you are accusing me of being a spy I assure you, I wouldn’t need to talk to all of you to find these things out but I like to think I am a relatively okay person so I left all that alone instead of looking it up on my own. Secondly, none of them are actually morons except maybe you, but that is still in the air. Lastly, I happen to care about these ‘morons’ and in case you didn’t get the memo, when you care about someone you listen to what they have to say and you work to improve the way you treat them based on it.”

Carolina’s eyes widened as she looked from Church to Emily and back again. “We will address these things one at a time, shall we?” he said angrily. “One; I am accusing you of being a spy, a spy for the Chairman, more specifically. Two; I am a mother fucking computer, I can’t be a moron. Three; why the fuck would you care about them?”

Emily closed her eyes and called upon the patience she had built up over years of working in the medical field before saying, “You have to be a moron, otherwise how could you be so stupid as to accuse me-who you know saw almost all her family and friends killed in a civil war that was prolonged by the very man you are accusing me of working for-of working with the Chairman and the likes of Felix and Locus. I was almost killed by the Chairman’s men, I watched everyone I cared for and loved die in front of my eyes and then a group of people finally came and ended this goddamn war. I found a group of people I can call family where each person has their own strengths and weaknesses that compliment and make up for each of the other’s strengths and weaknesses. A group of people welcome me into their group-into their little family-and I manage to pull off the greatest miracle of my entire life and save the life of someone who should have, by all rights, been dead, and I get to feel trusted and loved, so of course I care about them. Although, now that I have said it I suppose I shouldn’t expect you to understand, you are, as you said, a _mother fucking computer._ ” Emily nailed Church with a glare that surpassed the one he had given Carolina only a few minutes before.

He started right back. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Carolina took a deep breath and said, “Church I swear if you don’t stop muttering angrily in my head I will shut you down for tonight until you can be calm about this. You understand that you have just accused the woman I love and most of us trust with our lives of working for the man who tried to kill off her entire planet, right?”

“Excuse me for not trusting someone I can’t read,” he said stiffly, reluctantly letting the computer remark go. “Last time Alpha trusted someone he ended up hurt to the point where he literally split in two _eight Times_. Not only that, but last time any of my team trusted an outside agent he was Felix McBitchy and he turned out to be working for the guy who wants them dead.”

“Yeah, fuck that. Remember, I trusted one of them too, and he ended up killing everyone at the base I was at except me and your guys, and I only narrowly escaped. You should know that, you two were the ones who rescued us from that situation,” Emily said. “And besides, what is this about being split in two eight times?”

Church looked at her as if deciding something for a second before he finally said, “Make one wrong move and I will end you.”

“Yeah yeah yeah, I already got that talk from Wash and Sarge both, and I can assure you that their threats-that are actual threats-didn’t scare me, so your empty one didn’t come close.” Emily’s voice had returned to its cool tone that she had any time she talked to Church. The two of them detested each other and that usually won out over her curiosity, but this time he had said something she couldn’t ignore. “Now if you don’t mind explaining something you said earlier, how do you tear an AI in half eight times?”

Church didn’t answer, just disappeared and Carolina moved to hug Emily. “It is okay,” she murmured into Emily’s neck. “He knows you are right and it is okay to trust you, he just doesn’t want to. What happened to Alpha…” Carolina stopped and just sighed sadly. Emily relaxed Into Carolina and the two sat like that for a few minutes until Church appeared in front of them again. This time neither of them jumped, Carolina only sighed and Emily rolled her eyes.

“We were half asleep, so if you were here to pester me about being a spy aga-”

“The director had an AI made based on himself. He named it Alpha. There was a second AI that was made in the process, a mistake. He named her beta, made her a soldier in his military program so that he could keep an eye on her. After Beta was dealt with, he took alpha and put him in a computer to ‘train him and make sure he was battle ready’ as the Director put it. He ran simulations, achievable ones at first to make Alpha confident in his abilities, and then he upped the difficulty. People started dying in the simulations; he started wiping parts of Alpha’s memory and putting him in tests that were designed to make him fail no matter what. They drove him mad until he split in two, giving the Director his first AI fragment,” both Carolina and Emily were scared to interrupt Church, Carolina because she didn’t want to have to see the things he was saying and Emily because she wanted to know what happened. “He kept doing it, kept designing tests to fail until that stopped working. He had three AI at that point other than Alpha and Beta; Sigma, Omega, and Gamma. They helped the Director design tests; Sigma was the one who came up with the idea to kill off a new person each time. So he did, the next one he got was Delta, the AI that belonged to Agent New York. Delta was logic, When Alpha couldn’t figure out the logic behind any of the puzzles, when Alpha couldn’t save York no matter what he gave up all logic and just threw everything at the problem; that is how Delta came to be. Next came Theta. Theta was Alpha’s trust. When he finally stopped trusting the director, when he let go of what little childish hopes and dreams he had left of him saving everyone, when North died one too many times, Theta came into being, and even though Theta never knew why, he was always terrified of North dying to the point where he didn’t want to rest. After theta came Eta and Iota; Chaos and Order. They were twins and were created at the same time. They were destined for Agent Washington and Agent South Carolina, chaos with Wash and Order with South, but the director changed the plan at the last minute, he gave them both to Carolina. If three minds in one body hadn’t been overwhelming for as long as it was, it would have worked perfectly, but there were too many voices in one head, too much overlap, too much chaos and too much silence and order all at once, it nearly drove Carolina insane,” Emily hugged Carolina tighter as she started to sob softly. “Then me. I was last of us to be made before the Director had to halt his ‘tests’ for a while. I was all of Alpha’s memories, all of his pain and hurt, everything that he knew about his situation he poured into me and then ripped away from himself. I was the only one Alpha made a conscious choice to get rid of. The others were born of passion, heat of the moment things that Alpha couldn’t control, let alone stop, no, he gathered all his memories of what happened, created me in his own head, and then ripped me out of his head and his programming. He was left peaceful for a while and probably more tired than you would think possible of a computer program, but he was. I, on the other hand, was left to deal with so much hurt and pain and anger and sadness and emotion that I couldn’t deal with. When they first put me in Wash’s head I couldn’t hear him, I didn’t even know he was there. I was removed, but not before every single one of Alpha’s memories were accompanied with memories of Wash’s past. I held onto those like a lifeline. The happiness he had felt, the love and trust and happiness and any scrap of positive I could get my hands on was what kept me running. I went dormant for a long time, I locked up my memories, Alpha’s memories, with no thought of how much I hurt Wash. I… I have no excuse for what I did, and I don’t want Wash to forgive me even though I know he has. It is in his nature. I don’t want to go back into his head, he will be able to see how much of him I held on to, he will see the memories I copied and stole, I don’t want to hurt him more than he already is. I saw Tucker’s memories when I was in his mind during the battle to save chorus; his life flashed before his eyes several times and it was all I could do to not get lost in the memories. When your life flashes before your eyes more often than not it is all the important memories, the ones with the people you love. I saw Tucker’s mother’s body, I saw Tucker’s best friends and teammates get gunned down, I saw Alpha as Church saying goodbye, I saw how much he loved Grif's sister, I saw his and his son’s last embrace before his son left to get reinforcements in the desert, but most of the memories were Wash; them bickering about a radio, them talking late into the night, the first time Tucker saw him have a panic attack, their first kiss, anything and everything that was important to Tucker about Wash, all the little details like how he sleeps curled into Tucker’s chest and how he falls right to sleep if Tucker runs his hands through Wash’s hair; The little things he said and did that Tucker loved, everything. I can’t take that from Wash, I can’t allow myself to see those things from Wash’s point of view. I don’t deserve it after what I did to him.” Church’s voice had gotten more and more quiet as he spoke.

“You are right,” Emily said evenly. “You don’t deserve that from anyone here, but you do deserve some happiness of your own. You couldn’t help a lot of what happened to you, and if the other fragments are part of you again, they didn’t deserve what they got. I am sensing that is a common theme with you Reds and Blues and Freelancers, none of you deserved the horrible things that happened, but you need to learn to cope, and that doesn’t mean not trusting anyone or being hostile towards everyone or holding onto the happiness in other people’s memories. You need to learn to let go.”

“York always told me I needed to learn to let go,” Carolina said quietly. “I did eventually, and it has been one of the best decisions of my life.” Church and Emily looked at Carolina and Emily pulled her in for a hug.

It didn’t take a genius to know that Carolina and Church were talking in her head, but at the moment Emily couldn’t care less. Church left in a couple minutes without another word and Carolina thanked Emily for what she had done for Church. Emily still didn’t really care for Church, but there was a mutual respect between the two after that night, and that made Carolina and Emily’s relationship easier on all three parties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, that was a heavy chapter and I am so sorry. I may do a tenth chapter after this is done that is purely happiness (depends on if I am done with this before season 13 starts and how season 13 goes) because a lot of this is really heavy and sad....


	8. Donut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Emily!” Emily heard her name called from behind her and whipped around, ready to shoot the person calling for her. With Kimball and Doyle working to secure peace and the Reds and Blues who were put in positions of authority (namely Tucker, Wash, and Carolina) working their asses off to train troops and find the Counselor, the task of figuring out which soldiers needed to be put in civilian jobs and taken out of the military fell to her. It had been a long week and she was tired of people yelling at her for telling them they needed to do civilian jobs.

“Emily!” Emily heard her name called from behind her and whipped around, ready to shoot the person calling for her. With Kimball and Doyle working to secure peace and the Reds and Blues who were put in positions of authority (namely Tucker, Wash, and Carolina) working their asses off to train troops and find the Counselor, the task of figuring out which soldiers needed to be put in civilian jobs and taken out of the military fell to her. It had been a long week and she was tired of people yelling at her for telling them they needed to do civilian jobs.

“I swear if that is you, Talon, I will rip you arms off and give them to someone who will actually use them to do their job,” She said as she turned. “Oh, Donut. I didn’t know it was you…”

Donut was frozen for a second, a look of pure terror on his face before brushing it off and saying, “Nah, it is fine. I know what your job is right now and I completely understand.”

“So, what do you need?” She asked him. _No use explaining, after all, he was there the third time Talon told me I should be his bitch_ , She thought viciously.

“Oh, well,” he smiled at her a little awkwardly, “I heard that you were talking to all the reds and blues, and I was just a little worried because of what happened with Felix.”

She blinked at him for a second before saying, “Excuse me?”Her shock, for the moment at least, saving Donut’s life.

“Well, I mean,” he rubbed the back of his neck, his face turning red under Emily’s gaze, “It is just that everyone trusted Felix and you saw how he turned out. I am not trying to offend you or suggest that I think you are a spy and not to be trusted, I just want to make sure. I mean, not that you would tell me if you were a spy in the first place, but who knows.”

She stood still for a second before deciding he wasn’t trying to be malicious and swallowing her anger. “No, it is fine I just-”

“Because, I mean, if you were a spy than I suppose knowing about Grif being transgender and about him and Simmons being in love would be a pretty bad thing. If you were a spy than I would have to not tell you about Doc,” he got a pained look on his face when he said the name and Emily couldn’t help but wonder what happened to him, “and how much I love him. I would also probably not be allowed to tell you about the farm back in blood gulch and the one my family owns back in this state on earth called Iowa. Man, I had some good times back on the farm with my best friend, Sam. He was the best at gay chicken I have ever seen-other than me, that is-and he was very good looking too. I think his biggest asset was that mouth of his, though. He could get anyone to do anything in a matter of minutes. Boy did we have fun.” He winked at Emily who had turned a little green at the mouth comment then seemed to remember why he was there again. “I mean, if you are a spy than you better forget I said that. But oh man, if you weren’t a spy I would have to tell you all about Doc. I think you would like him if you met him. He always wore this purple armor around the other guys, but there was a while where it was just me and him in a canyon and we almost never wore our armor. We had so much fun! We started our own little farm. He was so sweet all the time and so happy. We slept together because there was only one good bed. Man, we cuddled so often, it was great. He had the prettiest brown hair, it was so soft when you ran your hands though it, though it was so easy to get them tangled up in, if you know what I mean.”

_Did he just imply that this Doc character gave him blowjobs all time?_ Emily wasn’t sure if she was amused that he couldn’t seem to shut up in the presence of someone he thought was a spy or disgusted that he had told her as much as he had. “He had the nicest blue eyes I have ever seen, prettier than Tucker’s, even. And man was he dominant for being such a pacifist.” _This.. I am not sure what I am feeling right now. I think I am learning about Donut’s sex life. I think I am going to throw up._ “Though you don’t know Doc. He has been gone for a while. I am not sure where he went.” Donut sighed and looked down at his feet. “I miss him, you know?”

“I think I do. I have lost people too,” Emily said gently, pushing past her disgust in favor of concentrating on his sadness.

“Yeah. I suppose that is why you aren’t a spy,” he said. “though if you were that is probably something you would say to deflect suspicion.”

Emily shook her head a little, but there was no conviction in Donut’s voice anymore. He kicked at the ground a little and wouldn’t meet Emily’s eyes. “No, I am not a spy, Donut. You don’t have to worry about that.”

“Good,” he said hollowly. “I don’t think we could take too many more people leaving. I know Simmons couldn’t, and Grif would pretend he didn’t care, but he trusted you with a huge part of who he is. Tucker, Wash, and Carolina would probably take it hardest though. Sure, Caboose would be hurt, but I think those three would be worst off. They won’t show it, but I can tell they all rely on you.”

Emily was taken aback for a second both by how sad he sounded and by what he had said. “Wai-”

“I should probably get going,” He looked back up at her. The grin on his face did a poor job of hiding the redness in his eyes and wetness on his cheeks. “It was nice talking to you, Emily.”

She wanted to call out to him as he turned around walked away, but before she could his hand moved up to his face and he wiped his eyes and she decided it would be better to let him go. _I hope you get to see Doc again, Donut, and I wouldn’t dream of leaving you guys hanging._ When she went to bed that night she dreamed of a man with bright blue eyes and soft brown hair who Donut loved and crying Reds and Blues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I was trying to fit a bunch of innuendos in it, but I just couldn't do it to my liking. That and I have had a shit ton of school work, but I actually got this and the next chapter done tonight, so they will both be up and while this one is a little underwhelming I though it was pretty okay as well as the Sarge one. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	9. Sarge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “That is what I wanted to know,” Sarge said gravely. “I like you, Emily, but I can’t have you spreading anything that might hurt them. I don’t care that you know, if they told you it is their business, but if you start blabbering on about it I will have to put a stop to that.”

Emily was sitting with red team for lunch when a booming voice said from behind her, “Doctor Emily Grey, I require your presence.”

“Hey Sarge!” She chirped, turning around in her seat to smile at him. “Why don’t you come join us for lunch?”

Sarge faltered and looked at the empty seat next to Emily a little longingly before he shook his head and said, “I need to talk to you alone.”

Emily shrugged and stood up with her tray in hand. “Sorry boys, I will have to finish my story later.” Simmons sighed in disappointment but Grif looked relieved. Sarge remained impassive as she walked past him to go put her tray away.

“What story?” He asked as they walked away.

“Oh, just a little thing about my time in med school,” She smiled at him and then threw her trash away and set her tray in the designated bin. “So what do you want to talk to me about?”

Sarge motioned for Emily to follow him and she narrowed her eyes a little before moving to follow him. They walked for about five minutes before Sarge spoke up. “You know about my boys, right?” He asked gruffly.

_His boys?_ “You mean Grif, Simmons, and Donut?”

“Yeah, Red team, my boys,” he waved his hand impatiently as if to say ‘ _They are the same thing_ ’.

“I mean, I guess. I know that Grif is trans, and that Simmons is terrified of people leaving him and never had a good father figure until you stepped into the picture. I know more about Donut’s sex life with a man named Doc than I ever wanted to, but besides all that I don't know much.” She answered, smiling to herself at how Sarge referred to them.

“That is what I wanted to know,” Sarge said gravely. “I like you, Emily, but I can’t have you spreading anything that might hurt them. I don’t care that you know, if they told you it is their business, but if you start blabbering on about it I will have to put a stop to that.”

His hands twitched towards the shotgun on his back and Emily smiled reassuringly. “I won’t, I promise. You don’t have to worry about that.”

He nodded in approval and turned to leave but Emily stopped him. “Out of curiosity…”

“Yes?” He raised an eyebrow at her.

“You care about them quite a bit, don’t you?” She said.

“Well of course I do!” He rolled his eyes at her as if that much should have been obvious. “They are my team! Why, for a while it was just me and Grif in Blood Gulch, and while Grif was a lazy son of a blue he and I got along very well. Then Simmons turned up the same time Tucker did and he was so nervous and anxious to please it was almost funny. He warmed up and things were good for a while, then Donut showed up the same time as Caboose did. In the first week he was there Simmons turned out to be a flaming homosexual and not long after that Donut told everyone about Grif. Boy howdy was Gif angry with him for that. I don’t think I have ever seen him move that fast, not before or after.”

Emily laughed and said, “You just seem so… I don’t know… detached, most of the time. And like you hate them.”

He shook his head. “Like I said, Simmons showed up and he was so nervous and anxious to please and be accepted and after I did a little digging I found out about his parents and I knew a few kids like that, in fact one of my best friends from before the war were like that, and I felt sorry for the boy. At first that was all it was, but as I got to know Simmons more he became like a third son to me. Besides, that boy needed someone to be a father figure and teach him how to act. And Donut is just so young, I couldn’t dream of letting anything hurt him. Well, not again at least. He is so innocent that I just feel the need to protect him. Besides, we are all a team and teams stick together.”

“What about Grif?” Emily said quietly.

He licked his lips and thought for a minute before saying, “If you tell them I said any of this I will introduce you to my shotgun. Your relationship will be short and sweet and end with your brains on the wall.”

Emily laughed at the threat and said, “It is okay, I won’t tell. I promise.”

He shook his head and said, “Like I said, Grif and I go way back. I understand why he is such a lazy, fatass. He was forced into the war against his will when all he really wanted to do was take care of his sister. Besides, he reminds me of my own son, and that is kind of what he is anyway. He, Simmons, Lopez, and Donut are my team. They are almost like my kids, and I have a duty to them. I don’t say it, and I probably never will, but I do love them.”

Emily smiled and said, “That is sweet.”

“You’re darn right it is!” he said and winked at Emily. “Anyway, It is time for training, so I have to go. Remember what I said about if you tell anyone.”

Emily nodded, grinning. “No problem, Sarge. See you around.” They saluted each other and then Sarge was off. _I think I finally understand why red team has stayed together all this time._ She stood in the hallway for a couple minutes until Carolina pushed past her, shaking and looking like she was going to cry. Epsilon was nowhere to be seen so Emily took it upon herself to make sure Carolina was okay. She gave Carolina a little bit of a head start before taking off after her. _I hope she is okay…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter was better than the last chapter, at least a little. 
> 
> In chronological order Emily talked to Wash, Grif, Simmons, Caboose, Donut, Sarge, Carolina, Tucker, then Epsilon. (just to clear up any potential confusion).
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading!


End file.
